


I look back with a hesitant laugh, but in reality it's dark down memory ave

by thunderingskies



Series: You bring out the worst in me [8]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Flashbacks, Friendship, Intimacy, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 10:01:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12385902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderingskies/pseuds/thunderingskies
Summary: The first thing Hajime feels is the cold.He’s shaking, but he feels so weak that he’s hardly able to do that much.Even just breathing feels like extraordinary effort; he forces air into his lungs, heaving with every breath that he struggles to take. His eyes open wide quickly, in panic, but it’s all too bright, a light from overhead that seems blinding to him-





	I look back with a hesitant laugh, but in reality it's dark down memory ave

The first thing Hajime feels is the cold.

He’s shaking, but he feels so weak that he’s hardly able to do that much. 

Even just breathing feels like extraordinary effort; he forces air into his lungs, heaving with every breath that he struggles to take. His eyes open wide quickly, in panic, but it’s all too bright, a light from overhead that seems blinding to him-

“Hey, calm down,” a voice says that Hajime doesn’t recognize. He struggles, trying to sit up but his entire body feels so damn  _ heavy.  _

What the fuck happened?

His brain feels foggy, and the more he tries to think the more confused he feels.

Where  _ is _ he?

He’s panicking, but he’s so damn cold that he can’t get a grip on whatever it is he’s lying on to push himself up. Cement? The fucking sidewalk? He tries to force himself up, but a strong pair of hands push him back down.

“ _ Hey,” _ the voice repeats, and Hajime’s vision starts to clear enough that he can see the fuzzy shape of a man leaning over him, “lie still, and breathe.”

Hajime squints and tears prick at the corners of his eyes from the light coming from the lamp post above them, but he feels the distinctive cold plastic of an oxygen mask being pressed more firmly to his face.

_ Fuck. _

His heart’s pounding.

The last thing he remembers is the shot he took; hitting it and feeling the rush he’d missed, the warmth that swept over him that he’d longed for since getting into rehab. The warm blanket of heroin that made him feel weightless, that helped him forget how fucking empty he’d been feeling for so,  _ so  _ long.

Only this time the high hit him so much faster and more intense than anything he remembered.

Panic rises in his throat like bile. He can feel his heart racing, his blood rushing so quickly he can hear it.

He overdosed.

He… could have died.

He closes his eyes to try to calm his racing heart beat, steady his breathing, but the panic clouds all of senses, leaving him with one thought-

Maybe he… should have?

The thought makes his blood run cold and his ears buzz, but it’s there, buried deep in his brain, reminding him of everything he wants to forget-

A loud buzzing breaks Hajime out of his dream.

A  _ dream. _

It was just a dream. 

He’s at home. In his apartment, on his couch. He must have passed out right after coming home from work. He can hear the familiar buzz of the radiator that keeps him up on long nights, loud and reassuring.

He tries to swallow, but his throat feels dry. His heart’s pounding and his head’s spinning as he tries to focus, tries to calm himself down, but he can’t shake the fear clinging to him.

His phone keeps ringing, and once he realizes he’s getting a call, he fumbles to answer it. 

“Hello?” His voice comes out more hoarse and raw than he expects it to.

There’s a pause, and, “Hajime?”

It takes Hajime a few moments to sort through everything and place the voice on the phone.

“Tooru?” Hajime sits up properly, rubbing his face with a hand. Right, they were supposed to go out together tonight. How long did he sleep for?

“Did I wake you up?” Tooru laughs a little, lighthearted. “Old man Iwa-chan, falling asleep right when you get home from work?”

Hajime takes in a deep breath, letting out a loud sigh. He’s really not in the mood for their usual banter right now. He still can’t get his heart to calm down, not to mention how foggy everything still is. “’s been a long week… was just napping,”  he says defensively.

He looks down at his hand, which is still shaky, but he can’t seem to calm himself down completely-

“Is everything okay?” Tooru asks. “Did you have a bad dream?”

Hajime’s about to respond with a  _ yes, I’m fine,  _ when he just… doesn’t.

Instead, he sighs. 

He must have slept at least two hours but he feels more exhausted than before he even got home.

“A scary dream,” he admits. 

Tooru’s uncharacteristically quiet, waiting. When Hajime doesn’t elaborate, he encourages him. “You wanna talk about it?” He says softly. 

Hajime’s stomach twists with anxiety. He hasn’t really talked about what happened back then, and for good reason. 

_ Does he want to talk about it? _

He’s scared of so many things. Scared of repeating this, scared of how the dream made him feel, scared of how he’s still filled with such longing-

But he’s not scared of Tooru’s reaction.

“Yeah,” Hajime manages, once everything’s not quite so fuzzy. “Just- just give me a minute?”

“Take your time,” Tooru responds.

Hajime does just that, and Tooru doesn’t rush him. He takes a few slow, deep breaths. Somehow just knowing that Tooru is on the other line helps calm him down a bit.

He listens to Tooru’s breathing, to some shuffling on the other line. He figures that Tooru’s on the bus as he can hear some background noise, but it’s good. Grounding. 

When he’s able to, he talks.

“I… had a dream… of back when I…” he pauses, pursing his lips. “Do you remember when I told you… that I overdosed? A little bit after I started rehab?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Tooru responds.

“Yeah… it was of that…” Hajime starts, looking down at the floor. “Of waking up after the paramedics got there. It was so terrifying… Realizing what had happened… how close I could have come to not waking up at all.” 

That’s not the scariest part, but Hajime’s not ready to voice his darkest thoughts right now. Not like this, not on the phone.

“I had this dream a lot after I went back to rehab, but it’s been quite a while since I’ve had it…” Hajime continues, “It was so vivid… I really felt like I was back there… It was so cold… I couldn’t get my heart to stop racing… even with what they gave me to reverse the overdose, breathing was hard… It all crashed down on me… I just felt so miserable…”

Tooru hums to show he’s listening, but he doesn’t interrupt. It feels good to get it out - therapeutic. The more that they talk, the more Hajime calms down. He pulls his legs up on the couch and his cat jumps up, rubbing against him and purring on his chest. He takes some time to pet him, the warm, friendly purrs making him feel a little less alone; and with Godzilla coming for cuddles, it’s not much longer before his other cat, King Caesar shows up too.

The shaking stops. He gets his heart beating like normal again, snuggling up to his cats and listening to Tooru talk. 

After some time, when talking about Hajime’s dream devolves into some chatter, Tooru cuts him off a little abruptly. “Hey, I gotta pick up some food, but I’ll call you back shortly. Okay?”

“Uh, sure,” Hajime says, “talk to you soon.” He hangs up the phone, sitting back and stroking his cat softly.

He’s still tired from the restless sleep and the long week, but he knows that he should stay up a little longer before going to bed. He needs to eat anyway, so a cup of tea would be good to help keep him awake.

Hajime gets up to make himself one, setting the kettle on the stove to boil while he picks through his cupboard of tea. He doesn’t drink much coffee anymore, preferring herbal teas with no caffeine, but he manages to find some green tea that he’d been given a few weeks back. 

Boiling the water helps heat up the kitchen, and wrapping his hands around the hot mug is a comfort that Hajime relishes. It’s too hot to drink at first, but now that he’s standing and has moved around a bit, cooking doesn’t really feel too hard anymore-

But a knock at his door gets his attention.

Huh?

A quick look at the clock above the stove tells him it’s a little after 8. 

Godzilla jumps off the couch, walking over and rubbing up against Hajime’s legs. Hajime puts down his cup of tea, heading over to the door to open it up.

“Oh,” he says, staring dumbfounded out the open door.

Tooru’s staring back at him, a small smile on his face and a brown takeout bag in one hand. He lifts up the food, “Are you hungry? I hope you didn’t start cooking.” 

Hajime just stares at him. “Why are you? I thought-” 

“I knew that if I asked you’d tell me not to go through the trouble of making the trip,” Tooru says, looking a little sheepish. “But I thought you could use some company.” He looks away, then back at Hajime. “Can I come in?”

Hajime looks from Tooru’s bright smile to the food in his hands - he can already tell Tooru picked it up from his favourite Chinese food restaurant - and he can’t help but smile, too.

_ Oh, yeah. _

He really isn’t alone in this anymore, is he?

“Yeah,” Hajime nods, pushing the door open for him. “Make yourself at home.”

Tooru’s smile brightens and he walks in, kicking off his shoes and making his way to the couch. “Have you eaten yet?” He asks.

“No, not yet,” Hajime answers, closing the door and following Tooru over. He smirks a little watching the cats jump on the couch and settle in next to Tooru. “They’ve sure warmed up to you.”

Tooru smiles, reaching over to pet Caesar who purrs happily at the attention. “Godzilla worships the ground that you walk on, Hajime - it’s only fair that  I’m Caesar’s favourite!”

Hajime sits down next to Tooru, reaching over to scratch Caesar who rubs against his hand. “Look at what a spoiled brat you’ve turned him into.” He tries to pull his hand away, but Caesar follows it insistently, meowing.

Tooru snickers, taking Hajime’s place and petting him. “How can I not pet him when he looks at me like this, Hajime?!” Tooru gestures with his free hand and Hajime is inclined to agree. 

“Alright, let’s eat before they get too comfortable.” Hajime nudges the cats and they get the hint, curling up on the other side of Tooru while he starts to unpack the takeout. He pulls out half a dozen containers before eyeing Tooru curiously.

“I may have overestimated how much we can eat,” Tooru says sheepishly. 

Hajime laughs and grabs some chopsticks. “Well we'd better get started then.”

He didn't realize how hungry he was until he starts eating, the food disappearing faster than anticipated. 

The easy conversation and the food helps calm his anxiety, and he feels more comfortable and relaxed. Once they’re finished Tooru cleans up the leftovers and they flop out on the couch, cuddled up under a blanket, sitting nice and close.

Hajime yawns, putting some documentary on the television for some background noise.

“Tired?” Tooru asks. Before Hajime can gruff back in response he reaches for one of the couch pillows, dropping it down on his lap. “Come here. It’ll be more comfortable.”

Hajime hesitates only briefly before he lies down, a little tense, his head resting on the pillow. He doesn’t start to calm down until Tooru starts running his hands through his hair, the touches feather-light but just enough to be a reminder to Hajime:

_ I’m here. _

That helps him relax, and it’s even better when Godzilla and Caesar climb back up on the couch, cuddling up on top of them. Godzilla rubs right against his chest, settling down and purring loudly. They spend some time like that, just quiet, but Hajime’s dream from earlier is still bothering him, and he feels comfortable enough to bring it up to Tooru.

“You know what the scariest part was?” Hajime says quietly, softly. Almost afraid to say it out loud.

“What was it?” Tooru asks, continuing to run his hand through Hajime’s hair.

The touches are soft, easy. Gentle. Reassuring.

A kind of intimate that Hajime had almost forgotten existed.

Hajime swallows, closing his eyes. “The scariest part was remembering how good it felt… how much I liked the high…” he breathes in deep. “It was like a sense of all pressure and weight off my shoulders. I should be terrified of overdosing again… but all I can think about is how good I finally felt…and I hate that this temptation is going to be hanging over me forever… but I gotta keep fighting it… every day.”

Tooru's hand stills and he brushes his thumb across Hajime’s cheek, moving his free hand to take Hajime's. “And I'm gonna be here to help you fight it. You know you're not in this alone, right?”

Hajime opens his eyes, looking up to meet Tooru's gaze. “Yeah,” he says, squeezing Tooru’s hand and nodding. “Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I owe a ridiculously huge thank you to Amalas for not only beta reading this (and everything else) and helping through the dreaded editing process, but being such a great friend and motivating me even when I'm being a whiny bitch about my writing. You're a blessing and I love you!


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